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Elephant Journal: The 3 Types of Love & why the 2nd is Most Important of All

heartbreak

“People are put into our paths according to who we can learn the most from at any given time. Like a giant universal computer, higher forces know exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further us” ~ Marianne Williamson ~

I recently finished a powerful book I’d begun reading at the end of a four-year relationship.

Among other things, Marianne Williamson’s bestseller, A Return To Love, shares potent insights into the three types of romantic love:

1. Love born of ego;
2. Love that helps you grow; and
3. Divine love.

She explained that while the third is the one that helps you reach your highest potential, the second, the transformational kind of love, can feel like the most powerful of all three.

You’ll find the below pearls of wisdom helpful if:

a. You’re newly single and wanting to expedite the healing process;
b. You’ve been unattached for a while and are feeling flat about the coming year; or
c. You’re in a relationship you’re not sure about and are struggling to get clarity.

Read the full article here

Why The Love That Ends Can Be The Most Important Of All

“People are put into our paths according to who we can learn the most from at any given time. Like a giant universal computer, higher forces know exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further us”

Marianne Williamson

I recently finished a powerful book which I started reading in the wake of the end of a 4 year relationship. Amongst other things, Marianne Williamson’s bestseller, “A Return To Love”, shares potent insights into the 3 types of romantic love:

  1. Love born of ego;
  2. Love that helps you grow; and
  3. Divine love  and how, while the third is the one that helps you reach your highest potential, the second, the transformational kind of love, can feel like the most powerful of all three.

You’ll find the below pearls of wisdom helpful if:

  • You’re newly single and wanting to expedite the healing process;
  • You’ve been unattached for a while and are feeling flat about the coming year; or
  • You’re in a relationship you’re not sure about and are struggling to get clarity.

Despite some 12 years in relationships, it’s only now that I have clarity on love, its different forms, its wider purpose and its power to shape huge learning and growth. For even heartbreak, the antithesis of love, guides you lovingly towards better knowledge of yourself and greater awareness of your boundaries and needs, paving the way for the highest form of love – the one that lifts you and supports you above all others – divine love.

Yet despite that, the second kind of love – the transformational kind — has been my most significant experience of love yet — for that was the love that facilitated my waking up and helped me reconnect to myself, who I am and what I want.

The love that took me to the foothills of Chamonix, Mont-Blanc, to a freer lifestyle without rules and expectations, a place of sublime natural beauty which inspired my soul, gave me space to breathe and to explore worlds entirely different to fast-paced city living. It’s amazing what you discover with the simple luxury of time – time to feel, time to connect, time to explore your passions – fully and guiltlessly. Time with free spirits from paths less trodden who have mastered the art of living in the moment – and in doing so, one of the greatest secrets of happiness:

 “Think less, feel more”

Dr Wayne Dyer

How apt that Mother Nature was the backdrop for a love which held me in its arms as I cried, revealed my unhealed places and loved me anyway. The love that soothed wounds carried from the first kind of love – the egotistical love – born of passion and lust but little care. This second kind of love was entirely different to the first kind. This love spoke directly, lovingly, straight from the heart. A love which taught me that you can say anything, almost anything, if you say it with love. You can even say things without love – and it remains.

A love that showed me how to be vulnerable again — what intimacy really is. A love that helped me grow into a fuller version of myself – that moulded me whole – and in doing so, laid the foundations for the highest form of love – the one that supports you to fulfil your highest purpose on Earth – the third kind of love – divine love. Poignant that we must sometimes lose the former to make way for the latter – like the shedding of a cocoon so we can fly high where we ultimately belong.

Stepping into a relationship with a Mowgli lookalike I met, rather symbolically, on a ski-trip just after I’d left law, was the easiest decision I’ve ever made and the greatest risk I ever took to the outside world. How funny that something that can seem like a wrong turn to others, the path less trodden, can feel so right to you — exactly where you need to be.

I remember asking myself, as I sometimes do when making big decisions, what I’d do if I had a year left to live. I felt a strong knowing that I’d choose to spend it with Christophe. I had a strong sense he’d be good for me, would bring me balance and would help me heal after two damaging relationships which left me battered and bruised.

The love that may’ve looked defiant, reactive and downright bizarre to others, was a love that felt heaven-sent to me. A union that would leave more conventional bystanders confused, bemused and a little concerned — until they felt my joy – and saw a spirit set free.

This kind of transformative love is captured beautifully by Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life”.

And while the slightly scruffy, long-haired French boy who rented me my skis was anything but my mirror at face value, he was the soulmate who brought me to my own attention and helped me find my feet again — as emotionally intuitive as he was ruggedly wild.

I remember the overwhelming peace I felt in his presence – his serenity in nature – his appreciation of the simple things – his ease.

The way he lived his life in accordance with his values gave rise to an authenticity which was striking – invigorating like a cold wind, it woke me up – refreshing and refined in its simplicity, it was of singular note. He knew exactly who he was and what he wanted – he was his own man – totally unconcerned by societal expectations.

He was free, at one with nature — like a wild bird that carries you home.

Apt that I met him then just as I was moving out of the thought-led, high pressure legal sphere into the more heart-centred world of coaching which hinges on helping people live more authentic lives aligned with who they really are.

The law of attraction right there.

The Alpha female that could have been found herself a little girl once more, craving the simplicity and freedom of the wilderness, never-ending forests like fairy tales and a Heathcliff to balm her bruised soul. And she got just what she was seeking, without even realising it –

a wild-hearted boy who would guide her back to herself.

The Mowgli my parents were worried about me moving to the mountains with —

the boy people flippantly said ‘would be fun for a while’ —

the boy I felt an immediate sense of peace with —

the boy so at ease with his own emotions that he barely flinched as I sobbed on him on the third date (think streams of snot pouring down my face). I remember feeling shocked that someone who barely knew me could love me unconditionally like that. Being loved when you feel broken is a powerful thing.

And while I patched myself up through hard work and determination, he facilitated huge change and growth.

I’m convinced he was picked out and dropped into my path quite specifically, at that very moment, to help me heal and to teach me how to be vulnerable again, to show me that deep love is unconditional, imperfect, challenging and beautiful. That strong love remains through arguments, with highs that open hearts and lows that strengthen your faith in love that lasts a lifetime. And, most importantly, that true love is a partnership which embraces vulnerabilities and loves you anyway:

“Je t’aime quand-même”

So these are a few learnings I’d like to share with you. I hope they help you on your journey through dating, love and the highs and lows in between:

  1. Trust your gut – it rarely lies. Every person comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Christophe came into my life to help me reconnect with myself and learn how to be vulnerable again. No matter others’ concerns at the start, I had a deep knowing he was what I needed. I feel real gratitude that our paths crossed despite their divergence in the end and blessed that I trusted my instinct and followed him to the mountains.
  2. Think less, feel more. Be mindful of your emotional needs and connect with yourself by journaling at important life moments. I rarely journaled back then, but such was the overwhelming sense of peace I felt when I met him, that I did a little writing. What came through was an ethereal feeling that he would be a powerful source of healing and growth and that whatever happened, it would be a positive experience. I also noted down worries which might separate us and those also bore true. This was useful to reflect on when we parted and reminded me of the power of instinct from the earliest moments.
  3. The journey is more important than the destination. A relationship ending does not demean what it was or how it has shaped you. Despite my greatest love story ending, I feel gratitude for it having come into my life because it took me to places I may otherwise never have gone and guided me down paths I might have never otherwise discovered. The Alps, fluent French, a coaching qualification, setting up my blog and taking my business to the next level. Ultimately, though, those four years taught me so much about myself and love, partnership, authenticity and respect. The peace you feel when you’re with the right person at the right time, the importance of internal balance and self-love and balance within romantic partnerships. Your perfect partner may not be just like you or look anything like you to the outside world, but they may have everything you don’t have and vice versa — the yin to your yang. So be led by your inner voice — not the judgment of others — and remember what Marianne Williamson says: “Relationships are assignments. They are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment by which each soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. They bring together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. People are put into our paths according to who we can learn the most from at any given time. Like a giant universal computer, higher forces know exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further us. No meetings are accidental. Those who are to meet, will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship”
  4. Communication is key. There’s no side-stepping communication and vulnerability if you want a healthy relationship. If you’re not ok with something deep down, it will come out in the end, usually far more dramatically if you repress it. Far better to say how you feel in a loving way, almost as soon as you feel it and open the channels of honest communication early on (‘I really love you but when you do this I feel… please could you…’) If someone flees when they see the truth of who you are, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
  5. Have faith. That great love may have been your best yet. And you know what? You may never have another quite like it – quite as free spirited, quite as unlikely or quite as dissonant, refreshing or beautiful. You might miss that person beyond belief at times, especially times like Christmas, but stay true to what you trust deep down. They helped you grow into the fullest version of yourself, paving the way for the love that will raise you even higher, that will see you for everything that you are and everything that you hope to be.

Because that’s what divine love is — the highest form of love which transcends all others and raises you up to be your fiery, beautiful, flawed, fullest self —

“The love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,

That lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;

The love that never falters, the love that pays the price,

The love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice”

Sir Cecil Spring Rice

 

 

My 3 Top Tips For Overcoming Heartache

Happy Monday, Gazers.

Inspired by a Facebook pop-up from 10 years ago, this is a top mindset tip for anyone who has ever:

  • Suffered heartbreaking betrayal that took your breath away and knocked you for six — for some time to come;
  • Struggled to believe in the goodness of others and worried that your ability to trust was gone for good;
  • Worried that the old you was lost forever, replaced by a new jaded model with the kind of baggage that would break the back of the strongest of porters.

A Personal Tale Of Pain & Loss

The picture below was me at university with my first love. A lovely, giddy, gentle love for much of our five year romance — the kind of love others seemed to aspire to — the kind of love that stirred boyish wonderings about babies and forevers — the kind of love that went on to break my heart into a million pieces and make me question whether honesty, integrity and trust could ever really exist again.

Discovering that the man I’d trusted had been living a double-life was breath-taking in all the wrong ways – for me — my family — and anyone who had known us.

I’m not going to lie – the revelation knocked me for six — right before 12 law exams that challenge students even in their rightest of minds. In short – it was a twist in the fairytale like I had never imagined — a complete loss of innocence that left a gaping hole in my soul — my self-esteem — and my ability to trust for some time to come. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about if you’ve experienced something similar.

But I’m not here to mope on the downs – for thankfully they are now long gone. I’m here to share my top tips for lifting you out of real, back-breaking trauma – of any kind:

1. Get Some Counselling.

When you’ve experienced the kind of shock that shakes you to your core whether romantic, professional or otherwise, help yourself heal through counselling. Sharing overwhelming feelings will help you process your emotions, deal with your vulnerability and move forward into positive relationships that are good for you.

2. Remember How Far You’ve Come. 

Rebuilding yourself when you feel blindsided takes huge amounts of courage and strength. Even the smallest of steps are to be celebrated. Make sure you celebrate these weekly in a journal and watch your growth — maybe not back to the old you — but a new, wiser, stronger version of your old self.

3. Know That Suffering Is The Root Of Enlightenment. 

As Ekhart Tolle says: ‘The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realisation’ – or put another way – ‘The wound is the place the light enters you’ (Rumi). So when you’re feeling low, remember, that’s the root from which strength and wisdom grow – the best basis for a life bursting with consciousness, empathy, presence and deep fulfilment.

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

So while that pain body may have dented the old you more than a little, know that nothing is truly permanent and the sun will rise again. And that countless others have gone through, survived and blossomed after soul-shaking challenges. Reframe your pain a little like that, if you can, and watch the law of attraction bring abundance and happiness your way.

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