Buddhist Top Tip: How to Deal with Toxic People

A recent life coaching client and I discussed how to deal with toxic people who push boundaries, manipulate, gaslight and try to get a rise out of you.

 

We deduced that our responses should take a different form with toxic people..

 

Watch the short video from a heavenly buddhist monk here and see what you think…

About Me: Coaching + Workshop Specialisms

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A lawyer turned Success Coach and Corporate Wellbeing Trainer at Melanie Pritchard Success Coaching, Melanie helps clients peak perform in their personal and professional lives.

Melanie has a particular interest in the high-stress culture of our increasingly ‘always on’ lives and the growing need for successful wellbeing strategies. Having worked in a variety of cultures and organisations and with a range of clients across the world, she’s skilled at stepping into different people’s maps of the world, helping to uncover what makes you tick and how to activate lasting change.

Coaching Specialisms:

  • Fast-Track Coaching: Empowering young professionals and middle managers to conquer obstacles, achieve professional goals and move towards promotion.
  • Performance Coaching: Helping professionals at all levels optimise performance in the workplace by supercharging confidence, resilience, communication, leadership and personal branding.
  • Career  & Exit Coaching: Supporting professionals who are unsure of their role fit to explore options, develop a clear vision and strategise for change whether optimising the current role, moving within the industry or a total career shift. Includes CV, application, interview and LinkedIn coaching.
  • Life Coaching: What happens at home impacts on work and vice versa which is why supporting employees in the round  breeds results. Whether optimising personal relationships, bolstering wellbeing or improving confidence or resilience, happy employees are productive employees.

Coaching Approach:

Melanie’s approach is integrative, which means that she tailors her training and experience to your personal and professional development needs, whether coaching, NLP or mental health related. Melanie believes that once you understand what drives you and what’s keeping you stuck, you can create an action plan which really works and change your life from the inside out.

Corporate Workshops:

A Mental Health First Aid Trainer (Mental Health First Aid England) and a certified Telephone Counsellor with Bristol Mindline, Melanie’s interest in wellbeing extends from individual stakeholders to team coaching and wider organisational effectiveness. She delivers corporate workshops including:

  • Certified Mental Health First Aid Courses: 1/2 Day Awareness Course, 1 Day Skills + Awareness Course + 2 Day Mental Health First Aid Course
  • Manage the Conversation: A half day workshop designed to help managers spot the difference between stress and poor mental health and how to start and manage conversations with a complex workforce in a supportive way. It also equips managers with a toolkit to optimise their own leadership style and bolster their own and employee wellbeing and performance.
  • Mindfulness + Resilience Masterclasses (2 Hours)
  • Bespoke Careers Bootcamps: For universities and schools.

Clients:

Melanie has successfully worked with clients including Osborne Clarke, Simons Muirhead & Burton, BP Collins, The Bar Standards Board, Chadwick Nott, Network Rail, EDF, Nato, Shell, Ford, Microsoft, The Natural History Museum, Hearst UK, Balfour Beatty, The Princes Trust, Bluefin Group, The London School of Economics and Political Science, BPP Law School, The University of Law, The University of Bristol, Imperial College London and HM Prison Service.

Kind Words: 

“The last time I felt this inspired after a coaching session was when I was lucky enough to join a group coaching session at Google with the in-house coach, usually only reserved for very senior employees. Mel’s energy is infectious. I cannot emphasise enough how finding her has made all the difference”

Star | In House Counsel

“I was referred to Melanie at a point when my I felt trapped in a frustrating role and working environment. She proved to be a lifeline and a joy to work with. I could not recommend her enough”

Vanessa | In-House Lawyer

“I was constantly stressed and feeling overwhelmed in both my professional and personal life, unable to clear my mind and change my practices. Upon one session with Melanie, I was able to recognise my strengths and identify patterns within my own behaviour that both help and hinder me. Obstacles have now been removed and my thought process has completely changed. Within weeks, I was performing better at work and am no longer ‘taking it home’ with me. Seek opportunity. Melanie has genuinely shifted the way I think and feel about myself and the life I am living. The things I want are clearer and within reach now thanks to her guidance”

Chloe Chambers | Careers Consultant | Imperial College London 

“I signed up with Mel after reviewing a few firms within the London area. I found her program to be the most comprehensive and proceeded accordingly. Her personal experience working in a corporate and then undergoing a career switch was very relevant to my own journey. Her positive energy and professional / structured demeanour really helped me clarify who I was, what makes me ‘tick’, and gave me an approach for my job search. I would highly recommend Mel. Her insight and capability were second to none”

Sandrine Palmer | Business Development Associate | Amazon 

“Phenomenal. Best training attended”

Gavin Jones | Head of Immigration | Osborne Clarke

“Informative, educational and inspiring! Superb tutor!”

Matt Calladine | Land + Development Director | Barratt Developments PLC

“Excellent, dynamic presenter, clear, pacy presentation slides and good amount of interaction”

Maryann Devally | Station Support Manager | Network Rail

“Mel was very personable and spoke with real passion and experience”

Mark Walker | Head of Assets | Network Rail

 

Qualifications & Certifications:

  • Qualified family lawyer (Mishcon de Reya and Burgess Mee)
  • Certified coach with the Coaching Academy, the world’s largest training organisation for coaches
  • Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner with The American Board of Neuro Linguistic Programming
  • Telephone Counselling Skills Certificate for work on Bristol MindLine, a confidential freephone helpline providing a safe place to talk for people in distress
  • Certified Mental Health First Aider with MHFA England and MHFA Trainer. This helps clients identify, understand and help a person who may be developing a mental health issue, reducing stigma and financial cost in the workplace
  • Member of The European Mentoring and Coaching Council, The International Coaching Federation, The Career Development Institute and The Association of Graduate Careers Advisory Services
  • First Class Degree in English Literature and French, a Distinction in International Business and a fluent French speaker

Press & Publications:

Melanie writes a variety of articles on mental health and wellbeing for the FT, The Huffington Post, Grazia, The Lawyer, Legal Week, HR Zone, The Law Society Gazette and Elephant Journal and produces The School of Success podcast on a range of topics from relationships and careers to confidence, resilience, communication and wellbeing in the workplace.. She has recently co-authored a soon to be released book, Shift: A New Era Begins.

 

Why The Love That Ends Can Be The Most Important Of All

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“People are put into our paths according to who we can learn the most from at any given time. Like a giant universal computer, higher forces know exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further us”

Marianne Williamson

I recently finished a powerful book which I started reading in the wake of the end of a 4 year relationship. Amongst other things, Marianne Williamson’s bestseller, “A Return To Love”, shares potent insights into the 3 types of romantic love:

  1. Love born of ego;
  2. Love that helps you grow; and
  3. Divine love  and how, while the third is the one that helps you reach your highest potential, the second, the transformational kind of love, can feel like the most powerful of all three.

You’ll find the below pearls of wisdom helpful if:

  • You’re newly single and wanting to expedite the healing process;
  • You’ve been unattached for a while and are feeling flat about the coming year; or
  • You’re in a relationship you’re not sure about and are struggling to get clarity.

Despite some 12 years in relationships, it’s only now that I have clarity on love, its different forms, its wider purpose and its power to shape huge learning and growth. For even heartbreak, the antithesis of love, guides you lovingly towards better knowledge of yourself and greater awareness of your boundaries and needs, paving the way for the highest form of love – the one that lifts you and supports you above all others – divine love.

Yet despite that, the second kind of love – the transformational kind — has been my most significant experience of love yet — for that was the love that facilitated my waking up and helped me reconnect to myself, who I am and what I want.

The love that took me to the foothills of Chamonix, Mont-Blanc, to a freer lifestyle without rules and expectations, a place of sublime natural beauty which inspired my soul, gave me space to breathe and to explore worlds entirely different to fast-paced city living. It’s amazing what you discover with the simple luxury of time – time to feel, time to connect, time to explore your passions – fully and guiltlessly. Time with free spirits from paths less trodden who have mastered the art of living in the moment – and in doing so, one of the greatest secrets of happiness:

 “Think less, feel more”

Dr Wayne Dyer

How apt that Mother Nature was the backdrop for a love which held me in its arms as I cried, revealed my unhealed places and loved me anyway. The love that soothed wounds carried from the first kind of love – the egotistical love – born of passion and lust but little care. This second kind of love was entirely different to the first kind. This love spoke directly, lovingly, straight from the heart. A love which taught me that you can say anything, almost anything, if you say it with love. You can even say things without love – and it remains.

A love that showed me how to be vulnerable again — what intimacy really is. A love that helped me grow into a fuller version of myself – that moulded me whole – and in doing so, laid the foundations for the highest form of love – the one that supports you to fulfil your highest purpose on Earth – the third kind of love – divine love. Poignant that we must sometimes lose the former to make way for the latter – like the shedding of a cocoon so we can fly high where we ultimately belong.

Stepping into a relationship with a Mowgli lookalike I met, rather symbolically, on a ski-trip just after I’d left law, was the easiest decision I’ve ever made and the greatest risk I ever took to the outside world. How funny that something that can seem like a wrong turn to others, the path less trodden, can feel so right to you — exactly where you need to be.

I remember asking myself, as I sometimes do when making big decisions, what I’d do if I had a year left to live. I felt a strong knowing that I’d choose to spend it with Christophe. I had a strong sense he’d be good for me, would bring me balance and would help me heal after two damaging relationships which left me battered and bruised.

The love that may’ve looked defiant, reactive and downright bizarre to others, was a love that felt heaven-sent to me. A union that would leave more conventional bystanders confused, bemused and a little concerned — until they felt my joy – and saw a spirit set free.

This kind of transformative love is captured beautifully by Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life”.

And while the slightly scruffy, long-haired French boy who rented me my skis was anything but my mirror at face value, he was the soulmate who brought me to my own attention and helped me find my feet again — as emotionally intuitive as he was ruggedly wild.

I remember the overwhelming peace I felt in his presence – his serenity in nature – his appreciation of the simple things – his ease.

The way he lived his life in accordance with his values gave rise to an authenticity which was striking – invigorating like a cold wind, it woke me up – refreshing and refined in its simplicity, it was of singular note. He knew exactly who he was and what he wanted – he was his own man – totally unconcerned by societal expectations.

He was free, at one with nature — like a wild bird that carries you home.

Apt that I met him then just as I was moving out of the thought-led, high pressure legal sphere into the more heart-centred world of coaching which hinges on helping people live more authentic lives aligned with who they really are.

The law of attraction right there.

The Alpha female that could have been found herself a little girl once more, craving the simplicity and freedom of the wilderness, never-ending forests like fairy tales and a Heathcliff to balm her bruised soul. And she got just what she was seeking, without even realising it –

a wild-hearted boy who would guide her back to herself.

The Mowgli my parents were worried about me moving to the mountains with —

the boy people flippantly said ‘would be fun for a while’ —

the boy I felt an immediate sense of peace with —

the boy so at ease with his own emotions that he barely flinched as I sobbed on him on the third date (think streams of snot pouring down my face). I remember feeling shocked that someone who barely knew me could love me unconditionally like that. Being loved when you feel broken is a powerful thing.

And while I patched myself up through hard work and determination, he facilitated huge change and growth.

I’m convinced he was picked out and dropped into my path quite specifically, at that very moment, to help me heal and to teach me how to be vulnerable again, to show me that deep love is unconditional, imperfect, challenging and beautiful. That strong love remains through arguments, with highs that open hearts and lows that strengthen your faith in love that lasts a lifetime. And, most importantly, that true love is a partnership which embraces vulnerabilities and loves you anyway:

“Je t’aime quand-même”

So these are a few learnings I’d like to share with you. I hope they help you on your journey through dating, love and the highs and lows in between:

  1. Trust your gut – it rarely lies. Every person comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Christophe came into my life to help me reconnect with myself and learn how to be vulnerable again. No matter others’ concerns at the start, I had a deep knowing he was what I needed. I feel real gratitude that our paths crossed despite their divergence in the end and blessed that I trusted my instinct and followed him to the mountains.
  2. Think less, feel more. Be mindful of your emotional needs and connect with yourself by journaling at important life moments. I rarely journaled back then, but such was the overwhelming sense of peace I felt when I met him, that I did a little writing. What came through was an ethereal feeling that he would be a powerful source of healing and growth and that whatever happened, it would be a positive experience. I also noted down worries which might separate us and those also bore true. This was useful to reflect on when we parted and reminded me of the power of instinct from the earliest moments.
  3. The journey is more important than the destination. A relationship ending does not demean what it was or how it has shaped you. Despite my greatest love story ending, I feel gratitude for it having come into my life because it took me to places I may otherwise never have gone and guided me down paths I might have never otherwise discovered. The Alps, fluent French, a coaching qualification, setting up my blog and taking my business to the next level. Ultimately, though, those four years taught me so much about myself and love, partnership, authenticity and respect. The peace you feel when you’re with the right person at the right time, the importance of internal balance and self-love and balance within romantic partnerships. Your perfect partner may not be just like you or look anything like you to the outside world, but they may have everything you don’t have and vice versa — the yin to your yang. So be led by your inner voice — not the judgment of others — and remember what Marianne Williamson says: “Relationships are assignments. They are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment by which each soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. They bring together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. People are put into our paths according to who we can learn the most from at any given time. Like a giant universal computer, higher forces know exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further us. No meetings are accidental. Those who are to meet, will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship”
  4. Communication is key. There’s no side-stepping communication and vulnerability if you want a healthy relationship. If you’re not ok with something deep down, it will come out in the end, usually far more dramatically if you repress it. Far better to say how you feel in a loving way, almost as soon as you feel it and open the channels of honest communication early on (‘I really love you but when you do this I feel… please could you…’) If someone flees when they see the truth of who you are, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
  5. Have faith. That great love may have been your best yet. And you know what? You may never have another quite like it – quite as free spirited, quite as unlikely or quite as dissonant, refreshing or beautiful. You might miss that person beyond belief at times, especially times like Christmas, but stay true to what you trust deep down. They helped you grow into the fullest version of yourself, paving the way for the love that will raise you even higher, that will see you for everything that you are and everything that you hope to be.

Because that’s what divine love is — the highest form of love which transcends all others and raises you up to be your fiery, beautiful, flawed, fullest self —

“The love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,

That lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;

The love that never falters, the love that pays the price,

The love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice”

Sir Cecil Spring Rice

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Warmly,

Melanie